I’ve basically stopped getting on tumblr completely. I’m still fucked up mentally, idk if I’ll ever actually recover. And the person that is the root of my issues knows it and will most likely read this and not say a word to me about it or will just skip over it and act like his life is perfect. So at the start of 2019 (I started writing this at 12:14am), I’m clearing the air. Because here I can get it all out and say everything I want without interruption and because it makes me feel better while also helping keep a permanent record of some of the events that have happened.
I am gonna be 100% with myself because this is probably the last time I am going to publicly post about this and I just want all my thoughts in one place. I want to start by saying, as fucked as it may be, do still love him with a good portion of my heart. My ex. Even though he has caused all of my issues of being abandoned by those I love to spring back up with one fucking sentence, I now fear that I’ll be left by those I trust more than anyone in the world, whether that’s a platonic relationship or a romantic one. I doubt he will ever fully understand how he has caused me to never want to trust anyone that says they enjoy my company ever again. You can’t just tell someone ‘when you had your arm around me I felt alone’ and not expect that to bother someone, especially someone you know is emotional and will take that to heart. And saying ‘it was my depression that made me say, that it wasn’t the norm’ is just a piss poor excuse and is a relfection of how he sees my point of view and then tries to justify his words. Don’t try and use your depression as a ‘get out of jail’ free card because of your shitty words that you said AFTER you said you had gotten in a better mental place. That’s not cool and you know it.
I’m not sorry for any rude things I have or will say unless I really cross a line on my morals. As you said ‘be angry and don’t hold back. It gives me insight on your emotions’ so by that logic you shouldn’t have any ‘bitter words’ to say to me because I really haven’t been rude. I keep my insults in my brain. I don’t talk shit about you, something that even surprises me if I’m going to be real because I could if I really tried.
But anyways. My goal for 2019 is to try and get myself back. The me that I was before you ripped me to shreds and then didn’t even have the guts to face me on it with your ‘I only have so much energy’ shit you threw at me when I wanted to try and work through things with you so that maybe my process of moving on would be easier. But no, just like with the ‘alone’ comment, you only focused on what would make you feel better in that moment. So if I’m standoffish, you know why now. My goal of finding myself again isn’t something I can concretely tell anyone. As I’m just gonna be more focused on myself than anything else.
I just wanted to get that out there for our mutual friends to see and for myself to finally let some see the kinda stuff you say. As I said, my goal is to make myself feel better. So for once I’ve stopped caring on what others might think. I’ve officially stopped caring about how I sound to you because you will read this in whatever tone you think my emotions are currently, which is most likely wrong as you seem to think I’m saying anything out of anger. No. I get why you’d think that, but no. If I were angry, I’d get revenge, post screenshots of your messages where you were a complete ass. But I’m not angry. I’m actually in an almost limbo state emotionally. No longer numb but I can actually feel my emotions again like they are under a sheer sheet.
This was really long. But it was therapeutic. Goodbye.
I mean, I have no real new thoughts that I haven’t already said.
But the one thing I will say since it has finally been addressed. I will never forget what you said, I will throw it in your face every chance I get because maybe…just maybe someday you will understand just how fucking much it still hurts me. How much those words swirl in my head constantly because you didn’t have the thought ‘it may be true but maybe I shouldn’t say this even though it’s supposedly ‘eating me up inside’ because she’s already not in a good place’.
But no…of course you didn’t give a flying fuck about me. Now it fucks with every relationship I have. Romantic or platonic. I am second guessing every interaction I have with people because of you. So I hope you are fucking happy now…cause I sure as hell never will be. Because of you.
And you are probably too much of a coward to even acknowledge all the damage you’ve done. Because it ‘drains you of energy’ which is the most bullshit thing you’ve honestly ever said. You say you ‘are here to listen’ but when I talk to you about my feelings you leave me with silence. Yeah fucking right. But it feels good to me that others we know will know what you’ve done.
I loathe the fact that I am still in love you. That I would still welcome you back with open arms even after you ripped my heart out without a care and curb stomped it. I fucking loathe it.
This is probably going to be my last tumblr post for a while because I need to concentrate on fixing the shit you did to me. I’m sorry to the others that actually care about me that you guys have to see this shattered side of me, y’all know how to reach me if y’all really want to.
this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)
OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.
THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.
The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.
AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.
THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.
YOOOOOOO
I SAW THIS ON MY DASH THE OTHER DAY AND THOUGHT “ITS WORTH A TRY” SO I WISHED I COULD GET A 3DS
LITERALLY LIKE 4 DAYS LATER MY DAD SENT ME A PICTURE OF THE 3DS XL HE BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I WAS AT SCHOOL
IM STILL FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS
holy fuck, I didn’t expect this to work, I was like psh, whatever it’s just a quick reblog, but I wished my Dad would actually respond back to me AND HE FUCKING DID A FEW DAYS LATER, I GOT A FUCKING TEXT FROM MY DAD TODAY WHO HASN’T SPOKEN OR RESPONDED TO ME IN MONTHS HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS MAGIC IT WORKS.
I WANTED TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND AND I DIDN’T THINK I’D GET DAYS OFF BUT THIS WEEKEND I’M HEADING UP THERE??? THIS IS CRAZY SHIT
SO LIKE I JOKINGLY WISHED FOR MY OWN LEN KAGAMINE AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER I GOT A LEN NENDOROID??? H ELP
WTF OKAY SO THIS SHOT ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE WHEN I WISHED, I HAD WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD LIKE ME BACK AND GUESS WHAT? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW. WHAT THE HELLLLL?????
ok I’ve said this before but IM DOING IT AGAIN THE FIRST TIME I SAW THIS, MY WISH DID COME TRUE SO I REBLOGED AGAIN AND SAID IT IN THE TAGS BUT THEN I WISHED FOR SMTH ELSE AND IT LITERALLY LITERALLY HAPPENED LIKE A COUPLE DAYS LATER WHAT THE HELL SO NOW IM WRITING THIS HERE FOR YOU BC I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS CRAP BUT STILL IT’S AN AWFULLY BIG COINCIDENCE
THE BOY I FELL I LOVE WITH LEFT TO TRAVEL THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND HAS BEEN GONE NOW FOR 3 MONTHS. WE HAVENT SPOKEN SINCE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL TRAPPED TO ME AND NOT ENJOY HIS TIME SO I WAITED FOR HIM TO CONTACT ME FIRST. I SAW THIS ON A PARTICULARLY LOW DAY WHEN I WAS MISSING HIM SO MUCH I CRIED FROM THE PAIN, GUYS I REALLY LOVE HIM, SO I THOUGHT MEH WHAT THE FUCK, AND WISHED HE WOULD JUST LET ME KNOW HE WAS OKAY.
GUYS.
HE FUCKING CALLED ME 20 MINUTES LATER
20 FUCKNG. MINUTES. LATER.
GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN. AND ITS IN THIS POST.
I wish for someone to leave something in my ask.
OKAY SO I ASKED FOR A HEDGEHOG AND NOW GUESS WHO HAS A PET HEDGEHOG
I WISHED FOR SNK MERCH THE FIRST TIME. I GOT A JACKET.
I WISHED FOR MY GIRLFRIEND THE SECOND TIME. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
THIS WORKs I WISHED I WAS MOVING TO NORTH CAROLINA AND GUESS WHAT GUYS IM MOVING TO NC IN AUGUST I PROMISE U IM NOT LYING
guys ok ur probably thinking that this is all just bs right? WELL I THOUGHT SO TOO BUT I WISHED MY CRUSH WOULD CHAT ME AND HE DID AND IM FREAKING OUT not even kidding i swear on my grampas grave this works
I love this it always works for me yey thank u shooting star :’)
Molly Suzanna shared a story on Facebook that she had never told before: when she was 19, she ran a red light while crying, then was pulled over and forcefully removed and beaten by a police officer. She explains in the letter that she believes her situation would have been even worse had she been black — and she ends the letter with an important call to action.
The public needs to hear more stories like this as well.
Wow. This is horrifying.
Cops are drunk on power. Add any ism to that, you have a bunch of abusive, gun wielding, trained to kill, non empathetic, killers running around.
This woman got hauled out of a window, beaten, stripped, tortured, and humiliated, and she still is able to understand how white privilege saved her life.
I’m so sick of being a ticking time bomb. Almost everyone walks on eggshells around me. Afraid of saying something that will reduce me to tears, family being the worst culprits of this. Constantly asking ‘am I feeling better today?’ No. But I lie and say yes, because if I told them the truth they’d never feel able to go back to the way things were before all of this when around me and I hate making others upset.
So I smile the best I can and say ‘I’m fine’ or ‘it’s getting easier every day’ but it isn’t. Because hearts don’t like to let go of what they want so easily…which honestly fucking sucks. Because I’m sick of crying. It’s annoying when I feel like I can’t breathe because my sobs are that violent. I’m tired of my eyes hurting from the amount of tears that fall onto my pillows.
But I still have dreams of being happy with the person my heart wants, us together and living the domestic life…those dreams hurt the worst when I wake up. I’d rather not dream at all honestly.
I can feel a small flicker of hope in my being but I have to keep stopping it because I know what reality is. They don’t love me nor want me. When around me they ‘feel alone’ so obvious they don’t want me around them.
Part of me wants to delete this god forsaken app just to get away from everything but then I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t type this out for the world to see.
